Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
