Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
