before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just had sex on a roof
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
