I think I won the penis lottery.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
