I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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