Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
