Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
