I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
