Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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