yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
