I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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