Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I did not marry a roomba.
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