She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
