I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Two words: nipple clamps
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