I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
