I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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