you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
