Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
