so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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