White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
