I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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