My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
