Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
