Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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