why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
