Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
