Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
40s are totally the cure
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
