i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
