I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
