I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
