guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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