Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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