Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
