she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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