You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
