Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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