I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
