I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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