Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have tasted many bathrooms
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
