I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
