Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
