why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
