My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
