Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
