Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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