Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Randomize
