Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
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Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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