The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
