we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
