"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
