I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
