The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
