if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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