i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
