I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
