He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
