He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
