News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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