How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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