Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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