Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
