I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
