Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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