the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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